What I really feel about blogging, now

Lately, I've been pondering over the true meaning of blogging. I didn't set out to blog. That day on May 23, 2005 when I first created my blog and published my first entry, I did it all in the name of fun. Junior has started to cycle without the training wheel, and having read so much about blogging, I thought I'd put that memory down in writing, so what better way to start a blog?

Over time, what started out as a journal of sort became a platform where I express my feelings and emotions over many things in my life. Like a piece of canvass, my blog is where I paint what I want, how I want and when I want, depending on my many moods. It is where I pen my inner most thoughts, express my joy and happiness; wallow myself in grieves and disappointment; reminisce about the past, gripe about everything in life and yes, "bitch" about fellow-human beings. So, you see, there's no central theme in my blog.

There are others who blog for a host of reasons. People like Chun See blogs mostly about nostalgia and the Singapore of yore. Thanks to sentiment fool like him, he does so with such passion and I must applaud him for providing so many valuable lessons to the youngsters of today on the history of Singapore. Frannxis blogs about his love for the Chinese Opera and he's shown that someone who loves serious stuff like the opera can be quite humorous as well. Just take a look at his post on the "Three Smiles".

Victor, my good friend, blogs to rise to my challenge that "an old dog [like him] can still do a good blog". I must add that Victor has proved his point and has used his blog to his advantage with his many swipes at the people around him. Unfortunately, I've been at the receiving end of most of his many jabs, swipes, sneers, jeers and contempt, just as he is from mine. Of course, we both know we are just horsing around, taking things with a pinch of salts. It's really quite challenging, this game we play. And I delight in having the last jab at Victor, as much as he has the last laugh sometimes.

Then there are those who blog for fame and money that commercial endorsement bring in. As you can see, blogging is really a matter of "different strokes for different folks".

I remember my enthusiasm then, when I started my blog, and how I happily announced, with an email, to my close colleagues about my blog, including one to my boss.

Victor, who shared my love for writing, soon followed suit. We used to be each other's No 1 fan, always leaving comments for each other. Our friendship was mostly forged over a plate of Kway Chap or Bah Kut Teh during lunch with BAGUS. But there is no question that blogging is a medium which re-affirmed our friendship, for its through blogging that we sometimes bare our most inner thoughts on the issues of life. Some of our other colleagues told us they, too, were reading our blogs, even though they didn't leave any comments. That sort of turned my heart cold.

I used to think I can blog just about anything (well, almost) under the sun. But when I became aware that people whom I know are reading my blog, I began to practise self-censorship for fear of hurting and offending them. It became apparent to me that I must think twice before blogging about that "seagull manager" in my office, or that apple polisher who waste not time sucking up to our bosses. I force myself to refrain from commenting negatively about the "power that be" in the office. I can't imagine the repercussion should they read about my blog.

Likewise my family. I have issues with my siblings but I can't put that down in case they chanced upon my blog and our relationship took another nosedive. Washing dirty linen anonymous is fine, but not in full view of colleagues and friends, though. Of course, the logical thing to do is to shut down my blog and start anew one that's anonymous, an option that I'm seriously considering.

I can no longer be truthful to myself for the thing that I blog. The situation now is such that instead of blogging for myself, I find myself blogging for an audience who only read what they like to read. You know you're not blogging for yourself when you start to “lug” a digital camera with you wherever you go, snapping photos and collecting materials, animated or otherwise for your next blog. It not only becomes a chore, it can be extremely dangerous too, as Victor so aptly put it in his latest post. I would NEVER subject myself to such risk, just to blog for an audience. Victor, contrary to what you may think, this is not a swipe at you. It's an advice to you or one day, you'll find yourslf in SEVEN EIGHT pieces. ROTFL.

Category: Personal