Time has changed. The world has changed. But it seems like when it comes to good ole romance, the requirement of men in their search for a life partner remains the same as it was since time memorial.
How else do you explain the plight of a Ms Ivy Lee as reported in the Sunday Times? Attractive, pretty, well-groomed and rich - she's, after all, one of Singapore's top property agents - her only fault lies in her age. She's 42.
Or so we were led to believe that age was her stumbling block in finding a life partner. Dating agencies she called up told her she's just "too old" to ever become any man's OOD (Object of Desire). These agencies write off women like Ivy Lee as being "over the hill" and consider chances of them getting hitched remote. Indeed, a poll conducted on 300 men and women last year has shown that only 34 per cent of men would consider going out with someone older them.
Personally, I don't think age is the main consideration here. Well, it seems that Ms Lee wasn't really "left on the shelf" material. It transpired that she was a divorcee with two teenage sons. I'm sure most men, when it comes to true love, would have no qualm about marrying a divorcee. But if you coupled that with a high flier like Ms Lee, and if she has a high education, then some men would think twice. There would be the question of "Intellectual Compatibility". Let me explain.
My wife is a nurse; and I'm just a salaried civil serpent. Suppose my wife is a doctor and she likes to host parties and dinners for her friends and colleagues - all doctors in the medical profession. And when they meet, their chatters are all about medical stuff. How, as a man of her life, would I ever fit in?
Much as I hate to admit it, it's true that some of us men do have security issues when it comes to dating women who are brighter and better educated than us, and who earn more than us. Very often, the image of such a successful woman is one who is overbearing, obstinate and, dare I say, feministic. Nothing reassures the ego of a man more than a wife who is loving, caring and above all, submissive. Of course, being highly educated does not mean that a wife can’t be loving and caring. But this notion of submissiveness is so outdated and politically incorrect in this time and age, it sounds so strange in today's context. It's also quite impossible to find such women in modern day Singapore. How else do you explain the increasing number of Singaporean men getting foreign wives from Vietnam and Batam? Perhaps we men could do well to change our mindset. Forget about finding submissive wives - they are as extinct as the dinosaurs brought to life only in Jurassic Park. A union in marriage is based on love and mutual respect. Nobody submits to anybody.
On the other hand, women, if they truly know what men really want, should play "dumb" sometimes. Be all the high-flier-super-achiever-bitches (pardon the expression) in power-suit you want to be in the boardroom, but at home, in the bedroom, ensure that the one who's really wearing the pants is none other than the husbands.
Just hope the feminists are not up in arms .... I'm just stating what we men want, really.
Category: Musings
7 comments:
Chris, pardon my frankness. I think you over-generalise.
Maybe so, Chun See. In my office, there are a couple of marriages between graduate women and non-graduate men. Personnally, I don't foresee this as a problem, if they are compartible, not just in their temperments, but also in their intellectual level as well, regardless of their educational level. Anyway, they are seem pretty happy to me.... In this aspect, I guess you're right when you said I over-generalise ...
On the other extreme, there are many single and not exactly young graduate women where I work. They are intelligence, outspoken and articulated. Why are they single? Is it a case of men finding them intimidating? Much as I hate to admit, I think the answer is an affirmative. Which is what I meant when I said some of us men do have security issues we should deal with when it comes to relationships....
Nowadays, women are not too keen on marriages. They prefer to work, save, travel etc. They have the opportunities to do so as we progress over the years. For the men, it is career and competing against one another. Most men would like their wives to earn less, study less and obey more. But given the exposure, women nowadays will not take it as before. In my opinion, these are facts why more women are marrying later or not marrying at all. Sigh.
I think the issue is not as simple as you have put it, Chris. (In that sense, Chun See is right.) It's not only some men feel insecure marrying a woman with higher qualification, sometimes it is also the woman who is unwilling to marry someone who has less education and who thus earns a meagre or no income. Like it or not, most Singaporeans still have the traditional Asian thinking that it should be the husband who brings home the bacon while the wife takes care of the family at home. (Remember Chun See asking why the wife is called 内人 ?). If women want to climb up the corporate ladder, some of them will inevitablly end up having to pay the price, in terms of their marriage.
And why do some Singaporean men, especially the older ones, prefer to marry foreign women? Note that the majority of the foreign brides are from 'poorer' (whether perceived or otherwise) countries in this region, notably Vietnam, Thailand, China, Indonesia and Malaysia. (Disclaimer: Please note that I am not saying anything bad about anyone with a Malaysian wife here.) Now imagine that I were a 50 year-old man. (I am, but I am married.) If I were looking for a wife, who would I prefer to take? A 42-year old or a 21-year old, assuming that all other things being equal? The answer which most 50 year-old men would give is rather obvious, isn't it?
Now look at it from the two women's point of view. They are looking at the same man - a non-graduate who holds a humble job earning a mediocre salary of say S$2,000 per month. The 42-year old is a successful, educated and intelligent career woman while the 21-year old is a farmer's daughter from a regional country who is eager to marry out of the country 'for a better life'. Who would be eager to take the man as husband? Again, this is a no-brainer.
So nature finds its course and water will level itself. The problem cannot be solved by simply asking the highly qualified women to act dumb. In any case, asking them to act dumb is just like asking them to submit, which you say that you are against. So stop being contradictory, Chris. Or are you living up to the message which I saw on your T-shirt a few hours ago - "If you can't convince them, confuse them"? Muahahaha.
Yalor Chuck. So it seems like the gahmen have been barking up the wrong trees in trying to get Singaporeans to have more babies. If people don't get married, where to get babies? Sorry, I don't think our society is ready to accept single women who give birth to babies as a matter of choice. The gahmen should give some incentives to encourage people to get hitched.
Victor - Such a long comment.... did I hit a nerve? (looking at you suspiciously...)
Anyway, get real Victor, there's no such thing as "all things being equal" in real life lah. The issue here is not so much which men wanted to take the rich and successful 42 year old Ivy Lee as wife. The issue here is match-making agencies simply deemed her too old because there's no male clients who would want to date a woman her age. In fact, her request was simple and reasonable - she juz wanted to meet men who are at least 10 years older then she is. I'm pretty sure men above 50 are among the agencies clients. Juz that they wanna date younger women. As a man, I think I can empathise with that. Which of us men don't want SYTs? But in the course of choosing beauty over brain, not to say that beauty and brain don't go hand in hand, we sometimes overlook the bigger picture. The big disparity in age between older men with much younger women does pose some problems. What's gonna happen when the 50-year-old man becomes 70? The woman would be 41. He had chosen the younger women because he just couldn't handle the security issue that comes with marrying an older woman who is more successful then he is. 20 years down the road, he found that he still has to deal with the same security issue because he's now a very old man with a relatively younger wife who might run off with a much younger man. So, in a way, we men are in a a catch-22 situation.
The issue is much more complicated that this. (1) The reaction of the match making agency you mentioned is based on their clientele's perceived preferrences; but that is a tiny segment of Spore men. (2) Victor went to great lengths to discuss the income issue. But could it be that people also look for intellectual compatibility in their spouses.
Sometimes sheer gut will win a fair lady. A case in point, my uncle a senior oversea cambridge cert.holder was bold enough to chase my aunty who was supposed to be the first female dental surgeon in Malaya just before WWII. Apart from being a very intelligent guy, my uncle had a never-say-die attitude. Prevailing factors also helped him - right place at the right time. My late mother (the match-maker) was then tutoring my aunty Chinese and the impending Japanese invasion speeded up the marriage. Unfortunately after giving birth to one son and three lovely daughter she died young of cancer. All the children grew up and become very successful in their careers.
Post a Comment